A History Of Accident and Emergency visits
(with other hospital miscellanea)

Born 1979, didn't got Accident and Emergency for first five years, but then the yearly visits begin

1986 - with a leg broken on a children's bouncy castle, a long period of traction and a plaster cast followed

1987 - with a broken nose after being pushed my brother and hitting a radiator with my face

1988 - fell of a wall and ended up with 3 inches of skin missing from my knee

1989 - not me this time, but I caused it by accidentally knocking out my friend while playing crazy golf

1990 - fell in the playground, suspected broken arm, turned out to be bad bruising

1991 - fingers broken playing hockey

1992 - finger damaged in near identical accident, except it was a game of rugby and it was my brother's fingers

1993 - accompanying older brother again, who has suspected appendicitus, turns out to be exam panic problem

1994 - 1996 not sure when, similar arm damage, no bones broken, but a long wait for an X Ray

1997 - following a fire in my boyfriend's flat, smoke inhalation and a back hurt jumping out of the window

1998 - instead of A&E I go to the women's building and surprise a gynaecology consultant who says this is just a routine examination and then says ok we are just going to operate with a laser, lie back and don't worry. Go home with less cervix than when I arrived at the hospital

1999 - I remember being in the A&E waiting room and it dawning on me that they see the children first before me and there, waiting on an orange plastic chair with my mum, I realise I am now a proper adult and it's shit, because I have to wait three hours. Again no broken bones, just swelling (foot or knee I think)

2000 - suspected appendicitis, turned out to be pleurisy. Ambulance driver irritated me by being chirpy when I was in agony and in no mood to make small talk

After this I stopped breaking things but continued to gain fantastic bruises and swellings, these three were all obtained under the influence of alcohol:

2004 - real appendicitis, middle of the night ambulance and an heroic projectile vomiting following the administering of morphine straight into a vein. Very dramatic

2006 - This tale has a happy ending, for I meet an equally hapless man, who wooed me with the tale of how he cut the tops of two of his fingers off while doing DIY:

Caroline Brooks