1.) not including boyfriends, i got into my last real fist fight about 5 years ago. it was with a roommate of mine. she was a performance artist, i think she was a mime. she would wear a lacy white dress, with a long white wig, smear white body paint all over herself and haul her ass to fisherman's wharf everyday and stand really still for tourists. sometimes she would move around like an automated doll to a music box soundtrack. one day she came home and accused me and my other roommate of stealing her mime money. i was in my room reading with the door locked and she busted in. she got all up in my face and shit. i just reacted- i don't remember much aside from blood burning into my eyeballs. there was a pile of 2x4's outside my door that i was going to build a loft with. i grabbed her by the back of the neck and kept throwing her face into the pile of wood. she was screaming pretty loud. she tried running out the front door a couple times but i dragged her back in. her boyfriend who was there the whole time, finally called the cops. by the time they got there she was completely hysterical and i was insanely calm. she kept bawling for them to take me to jail while i just stood there-i was in shock at what i'd done. i wouldn't have minded going to jail. at that moment, i felt i probably deserved it. but the cops told her to shut up. they said if they took me to jail, they'd take her too. as they were leaving, they took me aside and said, "the next time you wanna do something like this, make sure you keep the door closed."

2.) most recently-in paris: this cute french boy offers me and my girlfriend a ride. where? who knows, we're all trashed. so cute french boy just drives around, finally deciding to get on the freeway cause he's too wasted to maneuver the streets. in a matter of moments, sirens are whining and 2 motorcycle cops pull us over. cfb is shitting his pants cause apparently there are severe drunkdriving laws in france-like mandatory 6 yrs in jail or something. so cfb and cops go back and forth blah blah blah-i don't understand cause they're talking in french really fast. exasperated and desperate, cfb throws his hands up and says, "look, i'm not used to driving around with 2 beautiful girls in the car!" the cops go, "oooh! of course!" and they let us go...

3.) my next door neighbor's a cop. some strippers i knew from san francisco were in town and we were all smoking dope in the living room. my neighbor walks in through the side patio, which links our apts. that's this thing about him: he's so stealthy, you never hear him coming and sometimes he'll be in a room for an hour before you even notice him. so we're all smoking and drinking and laughing and all of a sudden one of my friends gets all quiet and hits my leg. i look up and my neighbor's standing there. he must've just gotten off work cause he was in full uniform, gun in holster... neighbor cop also gives me confiscated goods now and then. so if you ever get your dope taken away from you, don't worry! i'm putting it to good use! hawhaw!

- Camilla Ha